Staying in Truth
(first published in The Beacon in 1995)

One of the most important lessons I am learning in this lifetime is the importance of expressing my truth and allowing others to express their's without judgment. In a Loving Communications workshop I attended I was reminded that "All truths are true" meaning that when a person is expressing something from their heart, whether or not it resonates as MY truth is not the issue. Their expression is THEIR truth in that moment and is valid for them and deserves to be heard. With this understanding I can be tolerant, non-emotional and non-judgmental when discussing belief systems with others. I can fully hear them and at the same time be the observer and detach from emotional involvement in their truth.

Expressing my truth has been a more difficult lesson for me, however. In 1994 when I entered into a committed relationship with Victor, the two of us took only one vow. It wasn't a vow of undying love or a vow that we would be there for each other for eternity. It was a vow to always express our truth, even at the expense of possibly hurting the other person's feelings.

On the surface, that vow appeared to be a simple one to keep. I have always prided myself in being honest--not lying. However, expressing one's truth not only means "not lying," it also means "not withholding." I have always been a master at withholding. When something is bothering me, I can opt to not hurt the other's feelings and bottle my emotions up inside of me like a pro. All of a sudden I found myself in a situation where I was expected to reveal my emotional reactions to what was going on in our relationship. I had not been in a relationship in twelve years and in my last relationship (a 20 year marriage) neither my husband nor I ever discussed our feelings until they reached the boiling point and then exploded in an angry, unpleasant exchange. Needless to say I was going to have to make some fundamental adjustments in this new relationship.

Because I don't like to cause upsets or to be caught up in emotional turmoil, my pattern was to "keep silent" when something bothered me. But Victor would not allow me to do that! One incident stands out as the turning point for me in understanding the importance of "not withholding."  Victor has so many wonderful qualities and I felt so very blessed that he had entered my life.  But there was this one tiny, little thing that he did that really bothered me.  It was such a small thing that I didn't want to even mention it, especially because he did so many wonderful things and this was just so insignificant.  One morning he did this small bothersome thing once again and I had a quiet, internal reaction to it. 

Victor immediately asked, "What's wrong?"

I turned my back to him and between clenched teeth responded, "NOTHING!"

He took a breath and said, "You know, we took a vow to always tell the truth and I'm getting the distinct feeling that you are being less than truthful with me."

What a shock!  I got caught in what amounted to a lie!  I turned to him and said in a quiet, guilty voice, "I don't like the way you put the silverware into the dishwasher."

There! It was out! 

Victor smiled as he came over and hugged me. "Thank God that's all it is," he said. "Show me how you want me to do it." 

He was obviously relieved and I learned a valuable lesson! If I had continued to withhold this little thing that bothered me, it might have built into something huge, that may have created a wedge between us. During our first few months together we had many opportunities to "walk our talk" by expressing our truth.  And, each time a new situation would present itself where one or both of us felt out of alignment, it became easier and easier to work through it and talk it out. We developed a level of safety and trust that I have never experienced with another human being and our relationship has blossomed.

I feel the reason many relationships fail is because the partners don't have an agreement to express their inner truth in a safe, loving environment. If we could all reach a point of feeling safe to communicate our truth to everyone with whom we are in relationship, and know that our truth will be heard and honored, the world would be a much more peaceful place.

©Carol Hansen 1995